Never Again!

I will be very happy if I never have to board a canal barge boat ever again in my life. As you might have been able to tell from Phil’s last blog, I didn’t enjoy our last little adventure one bit whatsoever. I was apprehensive before we left but five minutes into the on-board safety briefing, my heart was pounding.

Just turn the ignition to the left... diesel tank... wait for 20 seconds... as soon as the yellow light comes on... remember to check the weed hatch... lavatory cassette... the switch over there... bilge pump... we do ask you to remember... engine coolant... every night without fail... water filler tank... should you happen to smell gas... isolation valve... bright red lid... the bottom of the spanner, which is also...”

Crikey! I thought this was supposed to be a relaxing break in the countryside! I knew at that point in time there was no way we could remember all the safety instructions and that we were doomed to failure. And I was right! Not in a big-time ‘live or die’ disaster but disaster nonetheless. With only 5 minutes cruising, I realised that I wouldn’t be able to handle the steering and would have to deal with the locks. Before we left I thought I had been clever in finding a lovely barge and getting it at a knock down price (£125pn) but what I hadn’t realised was that the route we were doing had 6 double locks on it.

Luckily we managed to go through our first lock with another boat, which was just as well because otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to move the lock on my own, it was so heavy. There were 2 British Waterway workers doing some maintenance on the locks and they were laughing their socks off at me, they said they’d never seen anyone looking so petrified! Stressed more like, after coming out of the first lock, Phil had lost the stern pin overboard and knocked off the engine plate whilst coming out of the lock. We couldn’t face another lock after that and moored up when we got to the next village.

And so it went on. The wind died down but Wednesday morning brought torrential rain. We found another boat to go down the canal with which made the locks easier but it was no fun getting socked to the skin waiting for water levels to change with snot pouring out my nose. The £6.99 waterproofs from Lidl were not waterproof and in the end I gave up trying to keep dry, it was impossible. Eventually we got to where we wanted to be, had lunch, Phil turned the boat around and we moored up. The evening wasn’t so bad, we had a bowl of chilli and Phil even managed to get BBC2. Okay the picture wasn’t great but anything was better than watching the only 2 DVD’s that Phil had got out of the library “How to Decorate” and “How to Tile”. Don’t even go there!!!!!!!

On Thursday morning we hooked up with Howard and his dog Rosie Pickle (same name as his boat) and mercifully he helped us all the way back downstream. There was only one terrible moment when Howards’s boat nearly sunk in one of the locks, he was helping and talking to me and didn’t realise the front of his boat had got caught in the lock gate. Thankfully he was able to rescue his boat with only seconds to spare but it put the shits up me, I can tell you.

We got back to Sawley marina just before the heavy rains kicked in. We had chosen Sawley marina because it was close to Redhill and was one of the only places where Phil could empty the toilet cassette. I was very surprised Phil didn’t mention the toilet saga because he just so loves talking loos (remember the Toilet Police?). Anyway our boat had a cassette loo as opposed to a pump out system. With a cassette loo system, you have to change the cartridge when the red light comes on. On our 2nd night Phil got up in the early hours wanting to do a number 2 but the red light was on so he had to grab some clothes, open up the boat and dump the full cartridge on the deck. He then had to put in the new cassette before he could do his business. I slept through this drama but obviously got the whole sorry tale the next morning. There was nowhere on route until we got to Sawley marina to clean out the full cassette and Phil was paranoid when he changed it for the spare, that this one would fill up and we would be ‘loo-less’. Note, that you’re not allowed to empty the cassette into the canal as this is against the waterways rules.

So, when we moored up at Sawley on Thursday teatime the first job that Phil did, was wheel the cartridge over to the little hut in the marina and clean it out. Not a pleasant job and not one that I think I could have done. The next morning before we left Phil got out the 2nd loo cassette so that we could return the boat with 2 clean cassettes but unfortunately it starting leaking en-route to the marina so he had to bring it back and dump on the deck. Phil stank and was cursing for England!

We said goodbye to Howard and Rosie and at half past nine we started to make our way back to the Redhill marina. Just prior to leaving, the harbour master had stopped by our boat to ask where we were heading. He said that the River Soar was going to flood later in the day so we were lucky we were leaving that morning. If it had been the following day we wouldn’t have been able to get back to the marina and could well have ended up being stuck up for anywhere up to 5 days. What a nightmare that would have been.

The rain was torrential on the last leg and it was difficult to see where we were heading. I tried to hold the umbrella to shield Phil from the rain but he is taller me and it made my arm ache. Even though it was pissing it down I was happy to be heading back once and for all, but 10 minutes away from the winning line, the engine conked out just at the point where we were turning right with a weir which was pulling us rapidly to the left because we had no power. Thank god, Phil got it going and we somehow hobbled back to Redhill marina on a wing and a prayer.

We met Sue and Mac in the pouring rain and handed them back their boat, not a minute too soon for me. Both me and Phil were soaked to the skin but we wacked up the radiator in the car and drove to Phil’s mum and dads for lunch as they’re only half an hour from Nottingham. Phil’s mum put on the gas boiler so we could dry out and served us a lovely lunch. After lunch Phil had a little sleep on the sofa before heading back to Milton Keynes. It was good to get home and sleep in our own bed. All I wanted was comfort food so Phil made us a liver and bacon casserole with a mound of mash and kale. Nothing exciting to report, the weekend has been spent recovering from our ordeal!

So to sum up our canal boating experience in two words – “never again”. On the plus side, the Acumen 2 was luxurious, well equipped, good central heating, powerful shower and plenty of room for two adults. The highlights for me, were getting TV on the second night, meeting Howard and Rosie and handing the boat back to Sue and Mac. I suppose we would have enjoyed it more if the sun was shining instead of it being cold and very wet. But that is England for you. Things also might have been different if I’d researched the route more. In hindsight, I would have chosen a route on the Grand Union, closer to home, with single locks and put more effort into researching the moorings and facilities nearby. Maybe it would have been better with another couple, it certainly would have helped with the lock situation but this would have comprised the space inside the boat. It was okay with just the 2 of us but even 3 would have been a crowd and think about the loo cassette situation.

No, the canal holiday is not for me and I certainly don’t want to live on one. It wasn’t as awful as the campervan experience but our canal boat adventures feature in my 'Top 5' worst holiday experiences. We met some nice people but there does appear to be a boating snobbery and from what I’ve learnt, equipping and maintaining a boat is an expensive business. But at least we tried it and we now know, that it is not for us. We can tick this off the list and move on to the new adventure…………………..